Vote Early, Vote Often!

I must have been on another planet, because it just came to my attention that the is a very important election going on! I am of course talking about the Nick-at-Night’s 20th Anniversary of The Cosby Show! It is time to vote for your favorite episodes. The Cosby Show was one of those shows my family and I watched together. It really had an impact on my life.

I tried to vote for my favorite episode but it was not on the list. I don’t know the name of it, but I remember it like I had watched it yesterday. It went like this:

Garfield Huxtable, played by Bill Cosby, gets hired to go to Hawaii to deliver a baby for Pinky Tuxadero, cause they do not have any baby doctors there. They decide to leave their home on 1313 Mockingbird Lane in Cleveland, Ohio and make it a family vacation. So the pack up and fly out. They have all kinds of adventures, like meeting the Hawaiian native Tom Selleck (who sings to them and plays his Ukulele.) The true plot of the story is when Cleo Huxtable, the Jamaican soothsaying son, finds a small Hawaiian statue in the birth canal of a young native. He makes a necklace of it, not knowing it is cursed.

While Cleo and the rest of the family are blundering around with bad luck, Garfield Huxtable gets in an argument with Doctor Quincy and accepts a challenge that he has to sky jump over a shark. Right before he does the stunt, Cleo gives him the cursed statue for good luck. Garfield’s chute does not open; dropping him into the waiting jaws of the man-eating shark, but manages to survive. The shark gets away with the cursed statue in his stomach, and Garfield’s left arm.

Afterwards they all went to Arnolds for burgers and Potsie sang a song. Did I mention Marsha wears a bikini?

Good stuff! And yes, I do have tons of useless info in my brain. It just comes pouring out!

Magical World of the Call Center

When you telephone a call center, there are many things going on . Not only are we helping you, we are keeping current with info from all sources. Recently we added instant messaging to our system. This enables us to help each other to the fullest of our ablities.
Let’s take a look at the top 5 producers in our call center. Their IM’s give you a behind the scenes look that few every see. Remember this is what we are doing, while we are talking to you!
Every thing is word for word, no edits.


IM FROM: MAUDE FLANDERS (SOD, supervisor on duty)
Mr. Happy Member wanted to pass on to management that Wally was 'awesome'! In fact, he suggested we clone her !
Thanks Wally for representing ORS is such a fantastic manner, and for providing such quality service !

WINSTON
Yet another example of management formally announcing something that we knew all along.
And in a related story, recent achealogical discoveries in Mexico indicate that the ancient Mayans knew that Wally was awesome in customer service (discalimer: this is in no way intended to be a riff on Wally's age).

BRIGGETTE (wife of Leroy)
are we railians?? member the cloning cult

LEROY (husband of Briggette)
Was that the cult that involved white Nike shoes magical Kool-Aid and a long nap?

LARRY
wasn't that the reverand moon cult?

BRIGGETTE
no baby cloners
i dont know LEROYs cousin messed me up, fine are we the reverand moon cult?? is it 5


LEROY
Can't remember, but they thought they could ride Haley's Comet into space if they all drank poisoned Kool-Aid as the comet passed. That's thinking a little too far outside the box.


WINSTON
I think you have gotten your death cults mixed up. Moon was the ones that cut off their balls

LARRY
huh?

BRIGGETTE
all im saying is aint nothing but a g thang baby


LARRY
huh?


BRIGGETTE
couldnt think of anything better to say
joe, leroy’s cousing told me the railians cloned babys, they didnt it was another clan who knows who did it or if they did. were not cloning wally. we like the one we got however i suggest making wally a robot to have on the resource line.


WALLY
you guys are awesome . . . thanks. cloned or robot? do i get a choice here?


BRIGGETTE
Of course you can pick. Clone or robot? There are pluses to both

WALLY
sure why not?? id choose robot.. less dna needed
and who's programming these robots? lets think about this . . . they could be programmed like . . . . or . . . . lets not be hasty here

LARRY
YEA, GREEEEEEAT! LETS GET THE ROBOTS TO START TAKING ALL THE CALLS! OH WAIT THAT MAY NOT BE A GREAT IDEA. I DO LIKE MY JOB

LARRY
OFFICEWORLD (LIKE WESTWORLD WITH YULE BRENNER)
ROBOTS GONE CRAZY, ANSWERING PHONES, MAKING ALL KINDS OF IMPOSSIBLE PROMISES TO MBRS, LIKE YES YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR EFT OVER THE PHONE!

BRIGETTE
Then do the clone thing

WINSTON
The Railians have claimed to have successfully produced hman clones; whether they actually have done it is a matter for some debate.
On the the plus side, as demonstated in a recent Playboy pictorial, them Railian babes are really hot



LARRY
ONE DAY IN THE HIGHER UPS OF THE STATE OFFICE:
BIG WIG: WE NEED TO MAKE SURE WE START READING ALL INTERCOMPANY EMAIL!
SUCK UP: THAT WOULD BE A TON OF EMAIL, HOW ABOUT JUST A SAMPLE?
BIG WIG: SURE! HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS IN ORS CALL CENTER?
SUCK UP: SURE! HERE IS A COPY OF THE EMAILS SENT BETWEEN THESE HANDFUL OF EMPOYEES IN THE LAST 24 HOURS.
BIG WIG: WOW! THAT IS a lot, BUT NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE!

LEROY
Of course none of it makes sense, it's all written in code. These e-mails about clones and robots are actually theories of how to take this organization down from the inside. Or wait, nope they are just e-mails about clones and robots, but by default they are taking this organization down from the inside.

LARRY
THAT AND HOW WE ARE DESIGN A LEGO SET TO TAKE OVER OUR JOBS SO WE CAN JUST CALL IT IN (lego robot site)

BRIGGETTE
my husband is being committed later. I apologize for letting him come to work today. the white coat guys are waiting for him by the car @ 5

LARRY
IS HE MAYAN?

LEROY
actually I'm just responding to these e-mails from home. My lego-robot-clone "Mike-bot" is the one in the cubilce answering calls. How's he doing?

LARRY
IS HE MAYAN?

LEROY
JUST FABULOUS MERR MFNNERN NFER
HE BROKE DOWN IM SORRY YOU HAVE TO COME TAKE MINE AND HIS CALLS NOW. I’M TAKING HIM TO THE ROBO DR.

LARRY
I'M GLAD TO FIND OUT ITS A BOT, CAUSE IT GRABBED MY ASS EARLIER, AND IT KEEPS FLIRTING WITH RUFUS. SEEMS TO ANSWER THE PHONES WELL THOUGH

BRIGGETTE
YEAH AND IF IT FLIPS ME OFF ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA TEE OFF ON HIM

LEROY
Damn it, I must have accidentally switched it to homo. Still working the bugs out.

BRIGGETTE
Thats not a bug
thats a fembot...

LARRY
DOES IT HAVE THOSE TWO GUNS LIKE THE ONES IN THE AUSTIN POWERS MOVIE? OH WAIT MAYBE IT ONLY HAS ONE GUN...

BRIGGETTE
we need to know this
my safety is at stake, can I borrow those vinyl pink boots though. i digem

MANDY
I have cow costume if anyone is interested. You could be super cow!!!!

LARRY
THATS WHAT I USED TO CALL MY EX-MOTHER IN LAW!
ACTUALLY I DON'T HAVE THE UTTERS TO BE A COW

MANDY
it comes with utters

BRIGGETTE
ummmm I not sure i want to be known for having more than 2 nipples not that anyones sure of that but ummmm yeah..

LARRY
ACTUALLY I HEARD THAT... UH NO I WILL LEAVE THAT ONE ALONE

BRIGGETTE
ummm noones supposed to know, shhhhhhshs!!
ummmmmm we could have milk and cookies, ill bring the oreos..

LARRY
I AM NOT GOING TO BE THE ONE GETTING MILKED AT WORK.
I HAVE A PIRATE COSTUME

WINSTON
How is a pirate a super hero in training?

MANDY
fine suit yourself :-}

LARRY
I SUIT MYSELF EVERY DAY, MY LADY DOES HELP ME WITH MY ZIPPER SOMETIMES

MANDY
only if your beggin :-)

LARRY
AND I BEG

BRIGGETTE
so does Leroy, its pitiful

LARRY
BUT WELL WORTH IT


I hope you have enjoyed this brief look into perfection.
-bear

Sleeping Alone

Warning me ahead of time, she tells me that she is working over night Saturday. So instead of being away all weekend, it is just that 12-hour period. Good, means we can do more together this weekend.

Except…

I hate sleeping alone. Hate it, and she knows it! That is why she is warning me!
I will sleep. Not very well. I will probably go rent a video game to keep busy all night.
She has done this to me. I was never like this before we started to go out. When I was 11 years old I used to mow lawns for money to go to the movies by myself! When I was 17 I used to go to Sci-Fi conventions, by myself! In the navy, I went out to eat by myself! As an adult I did all the above by myself, even when I was dating someone.

Why? Because I could see what I wanted, eat what I wanted and do it on my time schedule, taking as long or as short as I wanted. I racked up points on the local movie theaters frequent customer card! That was my freedom. Also was my barrier. I didn’t need anyone, was good on my own.

And now?

I would not do those on my own. I could, she would not mind. I just do not want to. It is not fun with out her. I have never been with anyone this long. My past relationships were measured in months, not years like now.
See I am ruined. Quite happily ruined! Would not trade what I have for anything. Yea, I’ve become happily pathetic!

Yeah! I love halloween!

Halloween, in the distant past.

I was single and had gone through a hell of a summer. Beat up and dumped into the river of hard knocks by two different women, both who I felt I loved. One I learned to hate, the other the final nail in the coffin that convinced me never to date any woman whose name starts with an “M” again. (Why? My friend Ivan asked. You are closing up options! Yea, this coming from a guy who has not had a date in 8 years.)

I have a group of people I do things with. A party at least once a month, camping trip every year, longs nights of phone se- uh calls. These people are like family to me, and helped me get through a very rough time. Of course, some of them caused me more headaches then I needed. (Having 5 ex-girlfriends in the same room, at the exact same time- Scary!)

This was October and it was time for the Halloween party. I was not in the best of moods, but decided I was going to go and have fun. No date, but that was by choice. (Yea, right!) The plan was to meet as a group across the street from the party at a local eatery. (Sounds like Iday’s) We had a reservation at 6 PM and were to show up in costume to get some pre-party group photos.

So I needed a costume. I have always been a little creative, so instead of buying a full suit of someone else’s design, I decided I would make my own. (Ok, yea I was broke. Had to borrow $10 from my mom to get a wig. It was a nice wig. Long blonde hair. Had a couple of those thingies. You know, hair thingies. Braids, yea thanks, Briggette!) I called an ex-girlfriend who had a dress and a bra I could borrow. She was also willing to do my make-up. Both the bra and dress tended to look better on her. (I think she threw both out afterwards. A lot like she had done me, just a couple months before.)

During this process of having make-up applied, I decided it would be a good time to start drinking. A couple tall beers, just to wet my whistle. (Well, I did need the help I was going out into public wearing a dress.) A couple of well-placed balloons (Woohoo Cleavage! Wow, I even get excited about my own cleavage! Yea, I am pathetic. But hey, it’s cleavage!) I refused to carry a purse, just was not manly, so I put my wallet in my bra. (That was like the best place to hide stuff. Had my wallet, my comb, a couple rubbers, and aleast two phone numbers by the end of the night. I did not call that one guy back though.)

Couple beers later I was walking into the restaurant, after many odd looks, (and some guy grabbed my ass) I made my way to the hostess. I told her I was with the Mlive group. (Now I may have freaked her out a little, having a man in a blonde wig and a dress hit on you probably wasn’t her usual gig.) She could not find the reservation, but I knew they were there. She suggested I just walk around and find them. (I walked around, some guy grabbed my ass, and another one asked to buy me a drink. I did except the drink, but I didn’t give him my number) my party was not there. Nowhere in the restaurant.

So I headed over to the hotel where the club was. I walked in and immediately saw one of my best friends walking by and stopped her to find out where everyone was. She explained (after the double take, and the explosions of laughter) that the restaurant had lost the reservation, and they had decided to return to the hotel and order pizza. (Grrrrrrrrrrreat!) I went up and said hi to everyone. (When they stopped laughing) It is worth noting that my friend Irma was dressed as a dead bride. This is the first and only time I have ever seen her in a dress. (And she says the same about me! Well, there was one other time. Different story)

It was a good party, as all our parties tend to be. Lots of drinking and laughter and dancing. Only one ex-girlfriend showed up (and 2 future ones) That night was the night I turned her down and let her go home alone. (Haha!) My dear friend Evelin kept popping my boobs. (I tried to get her back by doing the same thing on her, but didn’t work. Was fun trying though) My friend Twisty needed to walk down to a near by motel. It was dark and I was not going to let her walk alone. It was a quick walk down the busiest street in Lansing. A couple of horn honks and wolf whistles (She does have a nice ass) but no one bothered her.
It was all in good fun.

The night ending at a nice, all night buffet. (Because the place near the club, sounds like Inney’s, decided we were too scary to serve) Loads of fun and I headed home by myself.

There is a picture of me in the dress. Email me and I will send it out. (My woman won’t let me post it!)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

It Has Been A Long Week, Month, Year

I was told yesterday by a co-worker, who I will call [NAME REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS], that I have chosen to put myself on the sidelines at work. This was in response to me telling her that I would not be donating any money to her current charity.

I was working side by side with [NAME REMOVED FOR LEGAL REASONS] and she had had several other “gems” of knowledge to pass on to me. These included talking bad about others in the office, letting me know that she is personally going to make sure that a new supervisor will not be around for long, that she is rude to members on the telephone and no one can touch her because she is union. Why she felt she needed to share all of this with me I do not know. Maybe she believes that she is my friend.

Let us clear these up:
1) There are people I don’t like in my office. I’m not going to just start blurting out personal insults about the person, nor do I want to hear them. In fact, it mostly just makes me dislike you. Which could cause a blog to be written concerning what an evil bitch you are. Or I might just ignore it.
2) A new person, with a new point of view is brought into the office. Instead of enjoying what could be a bright light, you have decided to tear this person down.
3) It takes more effort to be rude to someone on the phone, then to answer the questions and move on. That you get some type of glee from treating someone rudely does not impress me. Just makes me want to avoid you. More then I do now.
4) Thanks for reinforcing that unions protect the bad with the good.
5) I am not your friend. I smile and say hello when we pass in the hall, because that is what civilized people do.
6) I do not sit on the sidelines. I just don’t do things with you or your group. Why? Re-read #’s 1-5.

In the year since I have come back to this office as a contract/temp employee I have had many ups and downs. Mainly thanks to idiots at work like the prior mentioned. I am very good at my job. I like my job. I used to love my job. Several things have added to the decline of my feelings.

1) Changed to a different cubicle due to the hate filled environment around my location. Again I do not like listening to people constantly talking bad and arguing with people. Here is a hint, if you have a tough call and end up arguing with every 1 out of 2 callers; it’s not the callers, its you.
2) I think maybe I have been ignored once too often when I have input. And slammed once too often for input. I am sorry if some of the old timers see me as a threat. Maybe if you did your job instead of being worried what others are up to, your numbers would improve.
3) Do not continue to refer to me and the other temps/contract employees as part of the “family”. You don’t mean it. I have to reference the nice email that was sent out after the All-staff meeting the other day:

You may have noticed the water bottles filled with candy corn and peanuts on our food tables. They were our door prizes. Winners chosen at random off the mailbox list are:

(Names removed)

You will find your prizes in your mailboxes. We realized afterwards that temps and students don't have mailboxes, so cups of leftover candy corn and peanuts are in Central for you (if you an employee, please leave these for our staff that work just as hard for less benefits)...enjoy!

Wow, half cups of left over peanuts and candy corn! Yeah, bite me.
I understand budget restrictions have caused a hiring freeze. I am glad everyone got those brand new computers last week. Helps let me know my place in the office. I hope they can be trained to answer the phone.

4) The constantly asking me to give money to charities, pregnant women, soccer moms, lost pets, car washes, candy, coffee, albino penguins, is really starting to piss me off. Not that I am against helping people out, just stop trying to make me feel guilty about it.
5) I am sick of hear the phrase “I don’t know why (enter generic name of long term temp/student) went out and found another job! She was such a great worker!” Yea if she would have waited another 4-5 years with out a raise or benefits, she would have gotten hired. Maybe.
6) I once had a person in the office I believed was my friend. Turns out I was wrong. I feel bad about this, but she never took the time to say anything to me. It should not bother me but it does. It is one thing to have some idiot treat me badly, but it is another thing when I feel that idiot is my friend.

I am sure I could add more to this, but I’m just Vanting, and the evening at the Penguin will help take care of the rest.

I am way too much of a cheery person for this.

1/2 Heard Quote of the Week

This week’s half heard quote of the week! I am still laughing about this one. Many people in call centers just read the info on the screen, not really comprehending what they are saying.

CSR: Yes ma’am, to confirm your current address, you are still living on His Cock?
(pause)
CSR: Oh I am sorry, there isn’t a space? It is Hiscock. There is a space on it here, I will get this corrected right away.

It is probably good that the CSR was a woman, otherwise it would have taken on a very different meaning.

Thursdays at the Penguin

Thursdays after work we go over to the nearby bar, which here, I will call the Penguin. We do not make every Thursday, nor is it always the same people. We always have fun, and it is a good release when work gets tough. All it takes is a mass email with a picture of a Penguin, and everyone knows we are on for 5 PM. Those who do not know what the Penguin means, and never ask, probably are not the types to hang with us. So be it.

I have been asked what is it we like about the Thursday evening events. The answer is always that it’s only across the street, $6 pitchers of Margaritas, and we have our favorite table. That is only part of it. My co-workers are a blast when we let our hair down and let loose.
The conversation varies. At first, we had rules. Like no talking about work.

"So…" taking a drink, "How was your weekend?"
"Yeah…" crickets chirping in the background "Was great. Took apart the sump pump."
"Sounds like fun." Turning to third person "And your weekend."
"I only have one testicle." Silence "I lost the other one playing football."

Seemed to be more sharing then we really wanted to be. After that we decided that putting restictions on topics was not the best thing. Open format seems to work best. Lots of laughing and joking. Never boring, and the conversations are profesional and always PC.

We never talk bad about co-workers:
"Yea, she is a pain in the ass. Really, our worse call of the day shouldn’t be an internal call!"

We never gossip:
"Briggette isn’t drinking again? I bet she is pregnant."

We compare productive notes on our customers:
"This stupid idiot, calls me again, wanting to know the same thing Steve told him 10 minutes ago!"

We treat the staff great and tip well:
"You know, that waiter who is usually here, is a lot better then you."

We talk about new ideas around the office:
"An island? My desk smelled like Play-Dough for a month!"

We compare the latest fashions:
"See I have knee socks on!"

We complement our co-workers:
"Yeah, she’s a babe and Rufus has a nice ass."

We tell about fun trips we have taken with friends:
"What’s in the bag?"

And anything that happens to come up in passing:
"Did you know he only has one testicle?"

Memories! We always have a great time. In case you are keeping track, Thursday is coming up, and yes, we are over due for the Penguin! As always, if you want to join us you are more then welcome, if you don’t that is fine too. Either way we will be there having fun!

With Great Talent...

When I got out of the US Navy in 1993 I started on a chain of different jobs. Even spent 3 and a half years with a temp service. You name some odd job; chances are good I’ve done it. I have become multi-talented in my life. Always wandering. I believe the term would be vagabond. I also did a lot of dating. Which is weird because in high school I could not get a date to save my life.

I have settled into one place now. Same job, same love. Really she is the reason for me suddenly being stable.

I have:
Owned a retail store
Outside sales
Theater stage manager
Security
Santa Claus
Medical Courier
Stuffed envelopes
Social worker
Bartender
Marketing Executive for a publishing company
Script writer for radio ads

Many more. All of them blog worthy. So for all the jobs I had, I do have a hidden talent that most of my friends do not know about.

I once won a karaoke singing contest. YEs, my hidden talent is that I can sing. The small Japanese Bar/Resteraunt we hung out at in the early 90’s was also a "Mr. Microphone" bar. We had fun there. Good friends, good staff, and we could get our mixed drinks by the pitcher with a straw. Those carefree navy days! We even got to meet the band Winger when they came in after a concert one night! Yes, Winger!

Anyway. The song was "Should I Stay or Should I Go". I was on the stage and when the person who I felt was the best singer in the place got second place, I was thinking, "Wow. I wonder who got first place?"

That was also the end of my singing career. The contract offers came in, but I turned them down. Winger even called me months later, wanting me to replace their lead singer, but I passed. Really, once you reach the top of the karaoke circuit, what’s left?

There are those who might say I am wasting my talent. Maybe. I have been known to belt out a song once and a while, but I am careful. With great talent comes great responsibility. Talent corrupts, absolute talent corrupts absolutely. Or something like that.

Duke of Blog

For those who have not heard, there is a Dukes of Hazzard movie currently in production. This is going to be a modern update of the classic television show. None of the original cast is reported as participating; except for the General Lee will still be a ’69 Charger.

Most of us fans know this will not be the same, especially as the cast list starts to come out. I believe it will be interesting though!

Sean William Scott – As Bo Duke. Best known as Stifler in the American Pie movies.
Johnny Knoxville – As Luke Duke. The leader in the Jackass movie and TV show.
Jessica Simpson – As Daisy Duke. Best known for being pretty and dumb.
Willie Nelson – As Uncle Jessie. Best know for being Willie Nelson.
Burt Reynolds – As Boss Hogg. Its Burt Reynolds.

The rest of the major cast has not been reported yet.

With this cast, I imagine the script will be something like this:

Open to Boss Hogg’s office. We see Hogg and the Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane.

Hogg: We got to get those Duke Boys!
Coltrane: Forget the boys, I would like to get that Daisy! Woohoo!
Hogg: (hitting Coltrane in the head) I’m not talking about that, you idiot! Here! (hands a brown paper bag to Coltrane) I want you to get these drugs to the Duke’s house. Then you can bust them!
Coltrane: Yes! That is great! Hehehe! Drugs! Now maybe I should sample these drugs first, make sure they are real! (reaching in the bag)
Hogg: Get your hand out of there, Sheriff Justice, uh I mean Sheriff Coltrane! This is top shelf, major Mojo! Now get going!
Coltrane: Ok! I even know how I’ll get there! I’ll go east bound and down, loaded up and truckin’. I’m going to do what they say can’t be done!
Hogg: Ok, but remember, you have a long way to go, and a short time to get there!
Coltrane: Hehehe!

Fade out.
Fade in.
Duke farm. We see Uncle Jessie, Bo and Luke.

Jessie: (taking a drag off his joint) So, boys, since the family has decided you need to be farmed out here with your “Uncle” Jessie. This is what you are doing. Johnson’s Hardware, and Mrs. Roland’s Gift Shop have not paid their “protection” money this month. I want you to go over there and rough them up a bit. (takes another drag)
Now Luke, that damn orange car already gets enough attention with out you adding a rocket engine, or covering your self with meat and jumping on the grill at the Whore’s uh, I mean the Boar’s Nest. That scares away the paying customers!
Luke: But #&@* Uncle Jessie! Why the #$%&…
Jessie: Don’t #&@* me boy! I will light you on fire myself! #$%& idiot! And you Bo, stop trying to bed your cousin Daisy. She’s not right in the head. You got me boy?
Bo: I got peed on!

Daisy walks in holding a brown paper bag.

Daisy: Uncle Jessie, you were right! None of those cows got wings! Who knew?
Jessie: You know it’s a good thing you are pretty! What you got there?
Daisy: Just your delivery from the Sheriff. He gave it to me then said he had to go “Polish his pistol”. Though it looked pretty shiny to me! What does he mean by that?
Jessie: Yeah, I’ll show you in a minute. Go ahead and take that bag in to my bedroom. I’ll be there in a minute. You boys get going, and watch out for that Boss Hogg. He has been trying to muscle into our rackets for years. Just remember, he is a bandit!

Fade out.

Ok so maybe I’m off a little bit. Think of the merchandise!
Uncle Jessie’s Stash!
Daisy Duke dolls!
General Lee cars with rocket power!
Whore’s uh Boar’s Nest play set!

All I can say is I can’t wait for this movie!
Ok, I’ll remove my tongue from cheek now.

Friday in the Call Center

After only two hours at work:

Me: May I have the member's Social Security number?
Member: You need what?
Me: The member's Social Security number.
Member: My number?
Me: Are you the member?
Member: Yes.
Me: Then yes, your social security number.

You burnt your pop tart?
No, I broke my pop tart. But I have burnt them before.

You want some tea? This week I stopped drinking coffee and switched to tea. Then Wednesday I went back to coffee. Today I have been getting the coffee, and adding the tea bag to it. I'm kinda buzzing, and wide awake.

I was just checking that my phone works, I have one of those weirdo hook ups. Oh thats why you keep getting those odd calls.

I bought my halloween mask last night.
(pause and a wait for the cliche' reply, cause you know some one was going to say it)
So you still have it on?

This being a goverment building, we have the security you have to pass through to get in. Last year at halloween, I came as a pirate. I was worried that I would not be able to bring in my fake sword. No problem. Of course then I got to my office and saw Winston. He was dressed as a dead cowboy, and sure enough had two fake guns on his hip. Nice security.

Finally, not funny but I have to mention this blog from Iraq by Kevin Sites.

Half Heard Quote of the Week

This week is credited to Briggette. Double whammy this week!

"Well sir, the actuarial chart is based on actuarials."

Oh, I understand now!

And my favorite:

"Ma'am I didn't create the calendar!"

Actually she may have. Her husband tells us she is a goddess, so it is a very good chance she did. And she keeps telling us she wants October 46 off.

A Few of My Favorite Places

I tend to notice things, especially when someone thunks me in the head with a hammer! I am referring to A Plug for other Blogs. So here I go!

I few of my favorite places (on the web)

Out of the Mouth of Morons - I cannot say enough good things about these ladies. They are smart, fun, and very real. I learn from their site(s). Just today, after reading one of the post, I realized the plural of breast is problay not breastesses! I would be lax if I did not mention that they are the ones that got me into blogging after I stumble onto their site while googling for … uh, let’s just say I stumbled on to their site.

Hollywood Stock Exchange – Buying and selling stock market game, based on movies and stars. I have been playing this for years. I am not very good at it. They start you with $2 million. I am up to $80 million. Sounds more impressive then it is.

Boing Boing – My first taste to the world of blogging. Updated daily, I have found tons of stuff and loads of information, I never knew I needed to know.

Brat’s blog – Known as Wally in my blog. Love her writing. She needs to write more.

Mlive Chat – One of the best chat rooms out there. I am not around as much as I used to be. I can be found there under “firebear”. Just ask around. Just remember any of the stories you hear about me in there might be true.

Rajah – All the latest news on WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment.

Subservient Chicken – You have to have the chicken. A non-scary Burger King ad.

And of course the blogs I read everyday:
Angi's Adventures – Very visual writing, the yeast story is very very funny!
Beth's Blog – Still waiting for that red shirt pic!
DM's blog – The queen of the universe. What more can be said?
Keem's Blog – She needs to blog more.
Matt's Blog – Goes from high school flashbacks, to how to scare your kids half to death.
The Lioness – Very, very deep. I love it, even if I don’t always get what she is talking about. And she suggest that I write about breast. Got to love that.
Jay Pinkerton’s Blog – Can be funny, to just plan dumb. Read with caution.
Wil Wheaton’s blog – Yes, its Wesley from Star Trek. Great stuff!

If I think of any others I will post below.

Lost in the Coffee Grounds

In the navy I spent lots of time out at sea. Lots of over night, 8 hour watches. Usually running from midnight to 8 AM. I was part of CIC, which is where you find navigation, radar, and other “brains of the ship” activities. It was mostly dark, with a red light to see by. As you can imagine, coffee was a very important part of this watch.

Coffee was drink by the cup full, usually a very large cup full. I had to stop drinking it by 5AM otherwise I would not be able to get to sleep. As you can image, the coffee machine was one of the most important pieces of equipment on the navy ship. I can still see our grand coffee making machine. She was one of those big silver tubes, with a simple little gadget that allowed you to fill up your coffee with a simple push of a button. My heart goes pitter -patter thinking about her.

I will always remember the day that a young sailor took the last cup of coffee. We were crossing the Atlantic Ocean, about 7 days out. The rules are very specific, you empty the pot, you make a new pot. So he began the task of getting the coffee grounds and water. The water had to be retrieved from the sink in the mess about 3 floors down. 3 and a half pitchers filled up the coffee maker. Lots of walking up and down the steps.

It was on his second trip that he noticed something in the bottom of the coffee maker. He reached in and pulled out a roll of duct tape! Now by the look of this tape, it had been in the pot for at least the week that we had been underway! Being the one who discovered the tape, and not to mention the one who took the last cup of coffee, the young sailor got the job of cleaning out the pot and starting the new brew going.

We knew this may take him a while, so we finished the cups of coffee we had. I know, it had been run through duct tape, but it was the only coffee we had at that time!

He scrubbed it down, cleaned it until it shined inside and out. Once he was done, the pot was refilled and soon the smell of fresh coffee filled the air again. It was after 5AM, so I didn’t drink any more. The morning watch started appearing around 7:30. They grabbed their cup of coffee and sat down for the morning briefing.

With out an exception, every single person said the coffee tasted funny. They wanted to know what we had done to it. After we explained the chief passed a new order: No one is to clean the coffee pot! Ever!

So a couple weeks later, I took the last cup of coffee. I grabbed the water pitcher and was off to get the brew going! When I was filling up the pot I noticed something in the bottom. Someone had dropped another roll of duct tape in. I left it and finished filling it up with water.

Honestly the coffee did taste better! I keep waiting for duct tape flavored coffee to hit the market! Yes, I know. Chemicals! We were young, definitely a little stir crazy, and we did not care. Rebels, everyone of us.

In my current office, coffee is also very important. Giving us the push we sometimes need in the morning. That is why I have written this story. I beleave there is a lesson here that can be applied to our day to day lives. To me it stands out. Just so everyone takes the same moral from this, I will spell it out:

IF YOU TAKE THE LAST CUP OF COFFEE FROM THE POT, MAKE A NEW POT!

I hope this helps office workers everywhere.-bear

Goodnight to a Super Man

It was the winter of 1978. I had to look that up. It was raining and nighttime, I remember that. We lived somewhere in Daytona Beach, Florida. Rain could mean anytime of the year in Florida. I was 9 years old. That would make my brother about to turn 8 I believe. He was still my best friend at that time. That I wish had not changed. My sister was still about 14 months from being born.

We hardly ever saw movies, and we never saw them at night. That right there made it special. My dad was the coolest man in the world, my mom the prettiest woman in the world. In many ways, that has not changed. The event we were witnessing that night was Superman . At 9 years old, a movie could still be an event.

I do not remember the previews, popcorn, what was talked about, what the theater looked like. I remember that I sat next to my dad. My brother on the other side of him. My mother next to him.

From the moment that movie started until the ending two hours later, I was totally wrapped up in the images, music and story before me. Everything else disappeared. Afterwards we went home, both my brother and I were asleep by the time we pulled up to the apartment. Just worn out.

It was an incredible experience. I cannot even accurately describe it. It was years before that the characters broke down in my eyes and became the actors. Though Superman never completely did. Christopher Reeve was always superman to me. He helped shape me into the person I am today. I can say as a 35 man, I don’t have many heroes; He is one of my heroes. That night shaped my life for the better.

Years after that I went and saw Superman 2 without my parents. Then 3 and 4. Not anywhere the impact. Maybe that’s why I like Star Wars better then Empire, because its that first impression, the events that effected me.

I watched everything Christopher Reeves did. I remember him on a Carol Burnett short livid variety show where he played the terminator. Which was also funny because he had turned down two roles that "Arnold" had taken.

He had his accident and I could not believe it. I even dug up the address and sent him a letter.

Now my hero has passed away. I may not show it in the office, but I will miss him.

-Larry

CALL CENTER RANT

Ok, here is a rant!

When you telephone a call center, and the person tells you they can not do that or that they do not have that information, its probably because they can not do that or they do not have that information!

You see, as someone working a call center, I want to get through the call as quick as possible, with the least amount of hassle. That means it is easier to give you what you are asking for then to not do that. I will be honest with you because I do not want to have to deal with you on a call back. Talk to my supervisor? Chances are if my supervisor has the answer, I will suggest this myself. Again, I want to get through this call as quick as possible.

I am sure you are a special person, that you are loved and have friends and family. You are an individual. I will be nice to you, and do my best to answer anything you want me too. I can assure you, no one has taken your paperwork out of the mountains of paperwork and delayed it for some type of vengeance against you. You really are just another number. Not because we are uncaring, it is because we deal with thousands of people a day.

Not to sound mean, I would much rather never have to talk to you again. If there is a problem then I will do my best to help. Asking to speak to the director or dropping his name as some sort of threat does not work. Speaking to the director because your direct deposit was delayed a month, is like calling George Bush to complain about the IRS Rep.

If you are going to bad mouth us, wait until after you hang up. (Of course I love saying “I can still hear you, Ma’am) We give you the courtesy to wait to make fun of you until after you are off the line, please do the same for us!

If I am asking for a piece of information, it is because I do not have it! I would not ask for it if I did! I do not care if I should, I don't!

Finally, if you get a letter from us that ask you to fill out a form, then it is because we need you to FILL OUT THE FORM! Do not call us and ask, “Do I need to fill out this form?” YES! YES YOU DO! Want to argue that you don’t want to fill it out, then don’t fill it out! It is your life, your paperwork. We do not send stuff out just for the heck of it! We are not that bored! Of course chances are you just spent longer on hold then it would have taken you to do the paperwork!
Ok, I feel better now!

THIS WEEK'S HALF HEARD QUOTE

Co-worker know as Brady-lover (BL) was over heard on the phone saying this:

"Yea, because if you don't they will sell him to the Korean eatery in the morning."

Do we really want to know the reason this was said? We work with senior citizens, so it just brings to mind images of "Soylent Green ".

Reverting to High School

A year has past since I returned to the call center. I had left for 11 months, and sooner or later I will blog "The Adventures of Larry: Hot Tub Salesman", but not today. In many ways the year has seemed to pass slowly, others very quickly. It is a good office, otherwise I never would have returned. There is still that high school factor. I do not know why we can not get passed that.
I know I contribute to this in someway. I have my own group, or click if you want. We have our own stuff,we have our own private jokes. Heck we even have our own table in the break room. We are not mean. We do not exclude anyone, we just have fun. There are other clicks in the office that feed into the division. That want to take people down a couple pegs for working hard, or having an idea.

High school politics and drama. I hated high school. Mostly cause of the drama. Though I always said if I could go back knowing what I know now, I would get laid a whole lot more.

I was not at work Wednesday, and it seems that I missed an incident that left some hurt and angry. It was a stupid incident, done to knock someone done a couple pegs. Yea it worked. This is not going to change, so I think we should stop ignoring it. Let's just make the office as much like high school that we can.

I suggest the following changes:

All morning meetings, will now be referred to as "Pep Rallies"

If you answer over 1,500 calls in a month, you qualify for your letterman jacket.

Add an office mascot. I suggest an old man with a walker. He could rap at office events or come around to our cubicles and do a little jig to keep moral up. Old man rapping, that is always fun! He could be called "Old Bastard", or "Oldie" for short!

If you are late, you will get a tardy slip. 3 tardy slips and you will have to stay after work for detention.

Truancy and fighting will not be tolerated! If caught you will be sent to the Director’s office.

Do not be out of your cubicle during working hours with out a hall pass.

No gum chewing during working hours.

When you arrive to work, do not horse around in the hallways, go straight to your cubicle and be prepared to start work.

Gang colors and symbols will not be tolerated. This includes groups of employees wearing matching ties and tie clips.

Who wants to try out for cheerleading?

No making out on office grounds!

You must have a permission slip signed by your parent or guardian if you want to go to the Coyote after work on Thursday.

There, that will make it feel like high school again. All the teenage like drama can then be justified! I do not see how I could have ever left this place. Have a great workday everyone. And be adult about it! -Bear