Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Deep Side of the Pool

Lately I have been feeling small. Insignificant. Not in the “oh woo is me I‘m unloved ” type of way. I have a life, I have loved ones and friends, but beyond that, nothing. Everything out of my reach just seems to not really matter.

The only thing the matters is what I do for myself and mine. I’ve been on the emotional trip. Saving the world, doing the right thing by people, treating everyone how you want to be treated. I went into the navy, I’ve been to war. I’ve helped build homes for the homeless, spent the day at an orphanage in France, donated time and money to the right causes. Spent time and effort with my children, paid my child support, kept a job, been faithful, supportive, everything a good friend is suppose to be. I’ve voted, protested, and listened.

All of this has made me who I am today. I’m not unhappy with who I am, just feel very small in the world. I guess I’ve circled the wagons here. Ready to keep my sanity intact.

It doesn’t matter to me who is president anymore then who the English Prime Minister is. The world will save it self, it doesn’t need or want my help. If a giant asteroid hits, I can’t do anything about it. The troops in Iraq? They got there the same way I did, they volunteered.

It is the same on the telephone a work, I can’t bring my self to care. With some people I won’t let myself care. I do not need to put myself out there for most people I know. Yes, I have friends at work, but if they disappeared on me tomorrow, I wouldn’t feel anything. I would wish them the best, but I’ve given up on attachments with new people.

I don’t care that you haven’t paid your electric bill in 3 months and now you are being shut off. It does not help when you tell me you didn’t get your shut off notice because you just spent the last two weeks on vacation in Florida. And look at the big picture, I paid my electric bill, my power is not being shut off. Of course I didn’t go to Florida either.

You don’t like your hours in the call center? I hear S-Mart is hiring.

Bring the union in so we can get higher wages! We are underpaid compared to other call centers! Um, no we are not. I’ve worked in the other call centers. Anyway, go work for them then, I’m staying here and voting no on union.

I’m late to work cause my car is broken. Yea mine too, still manage to get there on time.

I used to care. Anyone had a problem I would help, first to lend a hand. Not anymore. Sorry did my time, now it is just me and mine.

This all leads to a question. I used to care, now I don’t. Am I right now or was I right then.? In our life times have any of us found the meaning of life? Is there a meaning?

Ok a little deeper then my usual, but this has really been bugging me lately. Even watching Superman on the huge Imax screen, just looks small. Like the whole world has shrunk. Maybe just my world.


Blogger brooksba said...

You know, I do understand some of your feelings. I get not caring about the customers' stories and knowing that what people are complaining about are things they got themselves into (like late arrivals to work, etc.) I don't feel the same way about the world, but can see why you are feeling that way. You've done much in your life and you've been a great friend. Caring about yourself is a good thing to do too.

10:31 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

I don't think there is anything wrong about wanting to step back and put yourself and your family first. Like you said, these are not your friends, they are "work" friends. I'm lucky enough that my "work" friends turned out to be Beth and Keem and they are now "friend" friends and I would miss them if they disappeared tomorrow.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. If you stop caring about yourself and your family and your non-work friends, that's when you have a problem.

7:41 AM  

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Location: Lansing, Michigan, United States

Desert Shield/storm vet. I am the one at work who comes up with the ideas on filling up those non-work hours. (ok, who is up for canoeing this weekend?) After several wrong turns, have finally found the love of my life.

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