Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Magical World of the Call Center

When you telephone a call center, there are many things going on . Not only are we helping you, we are keeping current with info from all sources. Recently we added instant messaging to our system. This enables us to help each other to the fullest of our ablities.
Let’s take a look at the top 5 producers in our call center. Their IM’s give you a behind the scenes look that few every see. Remember this is what we are doing, while we are talking to you!
Every thing is word for word, no edits.


IM FROM: MAUDE FLANDERS (SOD, supervisor on duty)
Mr. Happy Member wanted to pass on to management that Wally was 'awesome'! In fact, he suggested we clone her !
Thanks Wally for representing ORS is such a fantastic manner, and for providing such quality service !

WINSTON
Yet another example of management formally announcing something that we knew all along.
And in a related story, recent achealogical discoveries in Mexico indicate that the ancient Mayans knew that Wally was awesome in customer service (discalimer: this is in no way intended to be a riff on Wally's age).

BRIGGETTE (wife of Leroy)
are we railians?? member the cloning cult

LEROY (husband of Briggette)
Was that the cult that involved white Nike shoes magical Kool-Aid and a long nap?

LARRY
wasn't that the reverand moon cult?

BRIGGETTE
no baby cloners
i dont know LEROYs cousin messed me up, fine are we the reverand moon cult?? is it 5


LEROY
Can't remember, but they thought they could ride Haley's Comet into space if they all drank poisoned Kool-Aid as the comet passed. That's thinking a little too far outside the box.


WINSTON
I think you have gotten your death cults mixed up. Moon was the ones that cut off their balls

LARRY
huh?

BRIGGETTE
all im saying is aint nothing but a g thang baby


LARRY
huh?


BRIGGETTE
couldnt think of anything better to say
joe, leroy’s cousing told me the railians cloned babys, they didnt it was another clan who knows who did it or if they did. were not cloning wally. we like the one we got however i suggest making wally a robot to have on the resource line.


WALLY
you guys are awesome . . . thanks. cloned or robot? do i get a choice here?


BRIGGETTE
Of course you can pick. Clone or robot? There are pluses to both

WALLY
sure why not?? id choose robot.. less dna needed
and who's programming these robots? lets think about this . . . they could be programmed like . . . . or . . . . lets not be hasty here

LARRY
YEA, GREEEEEEAT! LETS GET THE ROBOTS TO START TAKING ALL THE CALLS! OH WAIT THAT MAY NOT BE A GREAT IDEA. I DO LIKE MY JOB

LARRY
OFFICEWORLD (LIKE WESTWORLD WITH YULE BRENNER)
ROBOTS GONE CRAZY, ANSWERING PHONES, MAKING ALL KINDS OF IMPOSSIBLE PROMISES TO MBRS, LIKE YES YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR EFT OVER THE PHONE!

BRIGETTE
Then do the clone thing

WINSTON
The Railians have claimed to have successfully produced hman clones; whether they actually have done it is a matter for some debate.
On the the plus side, as demonstated in a recent Playboy pictorial, them Railian babes are really hot



LARRY
ONE DAY IN THE HIGHER UPS OF THE STATE OFFICE:
BIG WIG: WE NEED TO MAKE SURE WE START READING ALL INTERCOMPANY EMAIL!
SUCK UP: THAT WOULD BE A TON OF EMAIL, HOW ABOUT JUST A SAMPLE?
BIG WIG: SURE! HOW ABOUT THESE GUYS IN ORS CALL CENTER?
SUCK UP: SURE! HERE IS A COPY OF THE EMAILS SENT BETWEEN THESE HANDFUL OF EMPOYEES IN THE LAST 24 HOURS.
BIG WIG: WOW! THAT IS a lot, BUT NONE OF IT MAKES SENSE!

LEROY
Of course none of it makes sense, it's all written in code. These e-mails about clones and robots are actually theories of how to take this organization down from the inside. Or wait, nope they are just e-mails about clones and robots, but by default they are taking this organization down from the inside.

LARRY
THAT AND HOW WE ARE DESIGN A LEGO SET TO TAKE OVER OUR JOBS SO WE CAN JUST CALL IT IN (lego robot site)

BRIGGETTE
my husband is being committed later. I apologize for letting him come to work today. the white coat guys are waiting for him by the car @ 5

LARRY
IS HE MAYAN?

LEROY
actually I'm just responding to these e-mails from home. My lego-robot-clone "Mike-bot" is the one in the cubilce answering calls. How's he doing?

LARRY
IS HE MAYAN?

LEROY
JUST FABULOUS MERR MFNNERN NFER
HE BROKE DOWN IM SORRY YOU HAVE TO COME TAKE MINE AND HIS CALLS NOW. I’M TAKING HIM TO THE ROBO DR.

LARRY
I'M GLAD TO FIND OUT ITS A BOT, CAUSE IT GRABBED MY ASS EARLIER, AND IT KEEPS FLIRTING WITH RUFUS. SEEMS TO ANSWER THE PHONES WELL THOUGH

BRIGGETTE
YEAH AND IF IT FLIPS ME OFF ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA TEE OFF ON HIM

LEROY
Damn it, I must have accidentally switched it to homo. Still working the bugs out.

BRIGGETTE
Thats not a bug
thats a fembot...

LARRY
DOES IT HAVE THOSE TWO GUNS LIKE THE ONES IN THE AUSTIN POWERS MOVIE? OH WAIT MAYBE IT ONLY HAS ONE GUN...

BRIGGETTE
we need to know this
my safety is at stake, can I borrow those vinyl pink boots though. i digem

MANDY
I have cow costume if anyone is interested. You could be super cow!!!!

LARRY
THATS WHAT I USED TO CALL MY EX-MOTHER IN LAW!
ACTUALLY I DON'T HAVE THE UTTERS TO BE A COW

MANDY
it comes with utters

BRIGGETTE
ummmm I not sure i want to be known for having more than 2 nipples not that anyones sure of that but ummmm yeah..

LARRY
ACTUALLY I HEARD THAT... UH NO I WILL LEAVE THAT ONE ALONE

BRIGGETTE
ummm noones supposed to know, shhhhhhshs!!
ummmmmm we could have milk and cookies, ill bring the oreos..

LARRY
I AM NOT GOING TO BE THE ONE GETTING MILKED AT WORK.
I HAVE A PIRATE COSTUME

WINSTON
How is a pirate a super hero in training?

MANDY
fine suit yourself :-}

LARRY
I SUIT MYSELF EVERY DAY, MY LADY DOES HELP ME WITH MY ZIPPER SOMETIMES

MANDY
only if your beggin :-)

LARRY
AND I BEG

BRIGGETTE
so does Leroy, its pitiful

LARRY
BUT WELL WORTH IT


I hope you have enjoyed this brief look into perfection.
-bear

4 Comments:

Blogger Lenny said...

Bravo, Bravo. That blog had it all. Clones, robots, workers wasting company time. I often frequent Firebear's World when I stay home and send my Logo-robot to work in my absence.

10:36 AM  
Blogger dizzle said...

boy is it just me or is bridgette a super moron.. no offense but come on bridgette get a life..

12:09 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Uncle Larry,

Great post! It is amazing how much the customer doesn't see. It's conversations like this that make work worth going to.

Thanks again!

Beth

2:12 PM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Wow. You guys are quite magical. Unbelievable.

I love the fact that you have the discussion regarding robots or cloning. I never have arguments about that.

For Halloween, I'm going to be The Queen of the Universe. If I can find a tiara but Keem is being mean and is refusing to go to Wal-Mart!

11:52 AM  

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Desert Shield/storm vet. I am the one at work who comes up with the ideas on filling up those non-work hours. (ok, who is up for canoeing this weekend?) After several wrong turns, have finally found the love of my life.

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