Wednesday, December 15, 2004

The New Call Center!

To help balance the state budget, the governor has come up with a great plan. The plan will be put in effect very quickly. This new idea uses the already existing retirement phone center so there was no added cost. The training is mixed, some will have no problems learning the new info, and some may have a little problem with getting into the right mind set. As usual I expect my island, which is the best group of CSR’s anywhere, to uh rise to the new challenge like a fish takes to water. Heck, some of the guys are already set to go! While there may be some public out cry, there does not seem to be anyway for the plan not to pay off!

Automatic Phone Answering System (APAS): Thank you for calling the retirement system. Please listen to all our options, because our menu has changed. If you are an active member, press 1. A retiree press 2. For phone sex with a man, press 3. For phone sex with a female, press 4.


APAS: Your call is very important to us. It will be answered by the first available operator. To help speed up your call, please have your member number or your credit card ready. Your call is very important to us. It will be answered by the first available operator. To help speed up your call, please have your…

Winston: Thank you for calling. I need your name and credit card number.
MaleCaller: Uh, I wanted to speak to a girl…
Winston: No sir, it says on my computer that you pushed the 3 button. That means you want to talk to a man. Your name and credit card number.
MC: I am sure I pushed 4. Can you just transfer me to a woman?
Winston: I cannot do that. You have me so I am required to get you off.
MC: Look, that’s gross, dude. I was told if I didn’t like who I got, I could be transferred to someone else. I’m the one paying for this.
Winston: Who told you that?
MC: My buddy, Ivan.
Winston: Why would he tell you that?
MC: Uh, I don’t know.
Winston: Well it is wrong. Do you want to speak to a supervisor?
MC: Is the supervisor a female?
Winston: Yes, ma’am uh I mean sir. I will transfer you now. I must caution you though. I am in high demand. If you call back you might not be able to get me again.
MC: I will take that chance.


Steven: Hi, this is Stevie, how can I help you today?
YoungGirlCaller: Hi Stevie. You sound nice. My name is Loletta.
Steven: You sound young, Loletta. How old are you? It is a state law; you have to be at least 18 to talk on this line. I do not know where you are, but around here a man just got arrested for messing with a 15-year-old girl.
YGC: I am old enough. I am 23.
Steven: Well ok, I will believe you for now. But I am being careful. If you say anything that makes me question on whether you are 18, I am ending the call. Now what can I do for you today?
YGC: Well, Stevie, I want you to do me. Tell me what you will do to me and I want anal!
Steven: Are you sure? I heard it is uncomfortable. I would suggest just a simple coupling. I can go over the basics.
YGC: But that isn’t what I want…
Stevie: I understand, but I believe this is the best course of action. If you want I can research it a little. I will have to put you on hold while I do that.


Maggie: Hi, thanks for calling, this is Sassy. What’s your name?
ScruffyVoiceMan: Uh, hi Sassy. I’m, uh. La- uh, Simon. My name is Simon. How-ow are you?
Maggie: Nothing to be nervous about, Simon. Its just little old me. I am lonely and sooooo glad you called. Are you in Michigan?
SVM: Uh yea Sassy, I am. Aren’t you?
Maggie: Sounds cold! No Simon I am at my home in Puerto Rico, sitting on the back porch looking out at the ocean. The ocean breeze is blowing through my long blonde hair.
SVM: Wow! You are blonde? Are you tall with big breastestess too? Like Rachel Hunter? There aren’t weasels in Puerto Rico are there. Oh never mind.
Maggie: Weasels…Yes, Simon. I have been told I look just like Rachel Hunter. I am wearing a golden bikini, just like the one she wore on the Real Gilligan’s Island.
SVM: That sounds great, Maggie. You are getting me so hot!
Maggie: Yeah, and speaking of hot, I have to take off this bikini before I get…WAIT A MINUTE! What did you call me?
SVM: uh nothing…Sassy…


Briggette: This is Mistress Briggette, worm! What is your name?
OldManCaller: Um, I think I pressed the wrong button. I was trying to check on my pension check. Can you put me through to…?
Briggette: I did not ask you that, worm! Give me your name now! (Whip sound in the background)
OMC: Oh my, My-y name is Thomas. I am just trying to check on my…
Briggette: Shut up, worm! I know what you want! You think I will just do what ever you want. That ain’t happening! You belong to Mistress Briggette now!
OMC: (muffled voice) I don’t know Helen, it sounds like a whip. Ok I will hang up. (Clear voice again) I’m sorry, Briggette. I am going to hang-
Briggette: What did you call me, worm? I am Mistress Briggette! You must be punished! Pinch your nipple! NOW!
OMC: What? Pinch my nipple? Why?
Briggette: Don’t question me! DO IT NOW BEFORE YOU GET PUNSHED MORE!
OMC: (muffled voice) I have to pinch my nipple. (Pause) Mistress Briggette told me to! (Pause) Well I haven’t asked about my pension check yet. (Pause) I am trying! You could help! I have two nipples you know!
Briggette: Worm, you better not be letting that bitch touch you! I did not give you permission to let her touch you!
OMC: Yes, Mistress Briggette! (Muffled voice) Get your hand off me!
Briggette: That’s better, but you were still bad! How would you like it if I took my whip and gave you 40 lashes?! You’d like that wouldn’t you worm! (Sound of whip snapping)
OMC: Yes, Mistress Briggette! Oh! My-y heart! Aaaah! My heart! (Sound of a falling body hitting the floor.)


Lenny: How are you, thanks for calling. Tell me how to take care of you tonight?
ConfidentSoundingWoman: I just have a quick question.
Lenny: And I have the answer. Yes, I have over 5 pounds of chocolate in my pants.
CSW: That’s great. Not my question though. But good to know. I went to your guys’ website, and I can’t find any pictures of any of your phone staff.
Lenny: You can not get photos online. You have to put your request in writing. Then we will send it out. By the way, I have been working out today and am all sweaty…
CSW: That is great. How about a cam? Do you guys have a place to view your web cam? We couldn’t find it.
Lenny: We do not have a cam set up yet. They tell us when they upgrade our system next year it will be available. And, yes, ma’am, I also am not wearing pants.
CSW: (muffled) You talk to him. He is not making any sense.
ConfidentSoundingMan: Do you at least have a place on the web to buy official Retirement sex toys?
Lenny: Yes, sir, I also am not wearing pants.


Larry: (in a husky voice) Good morning. Thank you for calling. This is Bear. How may I pleasure you?
Roosevelt: Mr. Bear, Mr. Bear! My name is Roosevelt. I need to get my money! My check is coming Thursday, right?
Larry: (regular voice) Hi Roosevelt. It is Larry. You hit the wrong button again.
Roosevelt: Mr. Larry, Mr. Larry! How are you doing? I just want to make sure on my money. I got to get my medicine! You got my address right?
Larry: Yes, Roosevelt. Your check will get there Thursday.
Roosevelt: Good, good Mr. Larry. I thank you for that! I just have one other question, Mr. Larry, and then I’ll leave you alone.
Larry: Sure Roosevelt, go ahead.
Roosevelt: Mr. Larry, can I get alittle somethin’ somethin’?
Larry: You know I can’t Roosevelt, not without a valid Credit Card.
Roosevelt: That’s ok Mr. Larry! How about just alittle though?
Larry: Ok, Roosevelt, but this is it next time you have to pay for it.

Of course we would not be complete with out some:


"No sir, I will not bend over and let you ram me like a rhyno. That is very degrading!"

"Chapped? No one else complains about getting chapped. I think it must be you!

"I am not sure how to do that. I will have to put you on hold and walk around until someone tells me."

"And now I am slowly… wait a minute. Larry! It is you!"

"Yes, I have been told I have a nice ass."

"I have to end this call now, sir. It’s my early day and the only day I can get things done in the afternoon."


Blogger brooksba said...


Hilarious! Thanks for the laughs!

I especially liked the Roosevelt situation. V fun.


1:56 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh, my God. You are such a freak. I love it.

You know, that would solve a lot of problems but I could see the old people having a few problems with hitting the wrong button each time.

Seriously, dude, you are hilarious.

11:02 AM  

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Location: Lansing, Michigan, United States

Desert Shield/storm vet. I am the one at work who comes up with the ideas on filling up those non-work hours. (ok, who is up for canoeing this weekend?) After several wrong turns, have finally found the love of my life.

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