Thursday, December 02, 2004

The Once and Future Self

I wanted to write something today far removed from the complications of past relations, or current relations, or even future relations. Just trying to touch different emotions.

A couple years ago I had been talking to a woman who I went to high school with. Someone I had not talked to in over 12 years. She searched me out. Not sure why, because as we talked, it turned out that she had been mad at me for over a decade. Hurt because I left town and joined the US Navy. Crazy high school teen feelings played into this. Our lives are not perfect and she wondered, knew, that if I had stayed we would have had a terrific life together. It was impossible for me to grasp this at first. For 12 years she had held onto this belief that I had deeply effected her life by not being there.

We all hold onto hope. Dreaming of what might have been. Don’t we have to let these dreams go at sometime? Except reality? Or is reality too harsh to except? Or do we just have to blame someone for life being tough?

I am the first to admit that I have strong emotions. Sometimes I do stupid things because I am scared of being hurt. Some people you never completely let go. Some people that you would be hard pressed not to run back to if the chance came up, no matter how bad it was before. I don’t know why.

I do know that what has happened to you in the past has made you the person you are today. So I cannot regret the past, heck half the time I don’t learn from it. The future is scary. Sometimes I want to hide under my bed! I could not hide though. That’s not me. Not going to start hiding from life now.

I never thought I would be where I am now. The person I am with is the love of my life. The person who I searched for my whole life. I wish everyone reading this to find this. No matter how many wrong turns I took, I kept living. Do the same.

Have a good evening everyone, I am happy that you have visited my world.


Blogger Jacqui said...

Hmmmmm,, Hooters yummmmmmm,,,,,,,, gotta think before i comment on the past... too long ago to remember it all hehehehe

8:38 PM  
Blogger brooksba said...

Hi Larry,

I can understand wanting to hold onto happy memories, but hopefully this woman can get over the past. She should remember the good times but move on. It's not healthy to hold onto the bad stuff. Learn from it and make today the best you can.

I'm so glad you found your love. It's so heart warming each and every time I read that.


1:13 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...

The sad thing about this is that I know someone like that. Who replays past conversations, moments, memories and holds on to what could have been instead of what really is. It's not her fault that her marriage failed, it's not her ex-husband's fault that their marriage failed - it's the fault of all of her friends. When she was complaining about the way she was being treated, of the verbal abuse, of the cheating, we told her to make up her mind and leave if she was so miserable.

She can't let go of him, even let him move into the apartment without discussing it with me, her roommate. Where he continued to use her and steal from her and lie and cheat and write bad checks. And whose fault is it that they're not still together? Mine. Because I told her he had to leave because I was getting tired of covering his share of the rent.

I know that I like to imagine what could be and project what I think should happen but hopefully I'll never go 10 years blaming someone for the way my life turned out. We make our own choices.

I'm so happy you've found the love of your life. That's so great.

1:32 PM  

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Location: Lansing, Michigan, United States

Desert Shield/storm vet. I am the one at work who comes up with the ideas on filling up those non-work hours. (ok, who is up for canoeing this weekend?) After several wrong turns, have finally found the love of my life.

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