I Am Not An Ostrich!

I don’t know, maybe it is the weather. In the call center this week I have had several frustrating conversations with members that all seem to be going the same way. Here is an example. Anything in italic is what I am thinking.

Me: Yes, Steven, I am the snake to your Eve.

(RING)

Me: Good afternoon, thank you for calling, this is Larry -bear, may I have your member number please? Since you could not figure out how to enter it into the automated system using your telephone keypad.

Mr. NotStraightForward: Hello. How. Are. You?

Me: Um, I am good, sir. I need your member number. And for you to talk faster.

Mr. NSF: I. Have. Not. Gotten. My. Check. For. The. Last. Two. Months. Where. Is. My. Money?

Me: I can check that sir. Let me get your member number and I can pull up the account. Ugh, no one can possibly speak this slowly!

Mr. NSF: You. Want. My. Member. Number?

Me: Yes, sir. No, I want your phone number so I can call you everyday and listen to you talk a word a minute.

Mr. NSF: You. Want. My. Member. Number. Let. Me. Go. Get. It.

(I hear the phone sat down and Mr. NSF shuffles away. I hit the mute button and stand up.)

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

(Which gets the attention of most of my island, except Maggie. Maggie is part of our island, but isn’t connected. She is like Puerto Rico. I believe she likes it that way. Though I don't know why. She said something about being worried that insanity could rub off. )

Mr. NSF: Okay. I. Got. My. Member. Number. Are. You. Ready?

Me: Yes. I. am. Go. ahead. Great! Now he has me doing it! Maybe I can finish writing this blog between the numbers.

Mr. NSF: Okay. My. Member. Number. Is. ZOOOOOOOM!

(I have never heard anyone say a number that fast!)

Me: Uh, can you repeat that?

Mr. NSF: Sure. Yes. It. Is. ZOOOOOOOM!

(He did it again, the freaken’ uncle of Moses was suddenly the Flash!)

Me: One more time. Just keep it under the sound barrier this time.

(I do finally get the info, and this seems to have made him think that now he can speak at regular speed.)

Me: Ok, Mr. NSF. You said that you have not received a payment in two months. Yeah I remember when you told me that about an hour ago. Let’s verify your address.

(He verifies his address, but my Firebear sense is starting to go off.)

Me: Mr. NSF, I have to dig into this a little more. This will take a few minutes. Is there anything specific I should be looking for? Any reason why your payments would have been stopped?

Mr. NSF: Not that I know of. I haven’t done anything.

Me: You are lying! I know you are lying! You know you are lying! Now I have to dig through six different data bases until I find out what is going on! You could easily tell me at this point and save us both time! But no, I have to check everything. Do you think I am not going to find it? That I will miss what is going on and because of that, your checks are going to magically appear in front of you! IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT! I liked you better when you talked a word a minute! Ok, Sir, please wait.

(After about five minutes I find out why his payments were stopped.)

Me: Mr. NSF, It says here that we need a copy of your birth certificate. That if you did not send it right away, your payments would be suspended. They even tried to call you.

Mr. NSF: Yea, I remember the letter and the phone call. I think I sent that in last week.

Me: It does not appear that we have received it yet. I would suggest sending in another copy you lying weasel of a man. You were told to send in that birth cert or your payments would be stopped. So you still wonder why your payment stops? Bite me! I bet you didn’t even send it out last week!

Mr. NSF: Ok, I will get a copy in the mail today.

Me: Sure, Mr. NSF weasel, you get that right to us. Have a nice day. You freaken’ weasel!

(I release the call and rub my head)

Me: So, Steven, I am the snake to your Eve.