Thursday, February 10, 2005

Liars, Lawyers and Firebears, Oh my!

So you are having a problem. You call the help line and they tell you things that you do not want to hear. Things like:

“No, we can not do that.”
“You do not qualify.”
“I am sorry your wife left you and took the dog and you want your dog back, I can not help you.”
“You did this to yourself. There is nothing I can do to help you.”
“I cannot reverse those charges, you knew you did not have the funds to cover this check.”

Just to let you know that the person you are talking to probably means it when they say they cannot help you. Think about it. After several cups of coffee, tea, sodee pop or a couple of uppers, why would they want to listen to you bitch and moan when they could help you, just do not feel like it. If they could help you, it would be easier to just do it and get you off the phone so you can go find your missing dog. Of course you can always harass them until they give in and tell you what you want to hear.

“Ok, fine. You will get your check tomorrow.”
“No, not really. It’s still going to take 90 days.”

Now the real message I want to get across to anyone reading this is that your response to any of these comments should not be:

“I’m calling a lawyer.”
“If you don’t pay me $4000. I’m getting a lawyer!”
“I have a lawyer.”
“I’m going to have my lawyer sue you and your supervisor, and the State of Michigan!”
“This isn’t a threat, I am getting a lawyer.”
“Hi, I’m Mr. Dumbass’s lawyer.”
“My son in law is an attorney!”
“My son in law is a congress man!”
“I am the love child of John Kerry!”
“I am your love child!”
(Um forget that last one, that is a different blog.)

Threatening to sue the person answering the phone does nothing except make that person not want to deal with you. Well, and also causes you to be mocked. (Steven told a bad joke at lunch, I’m going to call my lawyer and sue him!)

It is such an empty threat. You see, I am sure the person on the phone is just following the rules and not doing anything you can actually sue them about. Don’t forget what a lawyer is going to cost you. That is if you can find a lawyer willing to take your money to open a case that chances are you are going to lose.

And while I am on my soap box…

It does you no good to lie about when you got paperwork into our office. It is logged in. Don’t think like my ex. Just because you say it, does not mean it is true.

“Ma’am, it takes 90 days to process once we get the forms in our office.”
“Well, I sent you those forms in October. So I should be done by now.”
“The system shows that we got your paperwork in last week.”
“Oh, you can see that?”
“Ma’am, I just got an instant message from God. It says to let you know you are going to hell for lying.”

Ok, I didn’t say that, but I thought about it!


Blogger brooksba said...

Hi Larry,

I so wish I could say that last line to lying customers! That's too great!

I've said to customers threatening lawyers (like the kid who said, "My dad's a lawyer!"), "Well, your lawyer will also explain that it is illegal to write a check for money you don't have."

We used to joke about how many lawsuits we could start in a day. I think I was threatened 5 times in one day once (that was a lot of overdraft calls). It's such an empty threat.

Great post! Keep it up!


11:38 AM  
Blogger CarpeDM said...


I loved the post! It was great.

It sure does the heart good to realize that there are people out there who actually get it, who understand what it is like to be on the other end of the phone call, being chewed out for something we can't do.

And I, like Beth, loved the last comment. I would love to tell customers that.

5:59 PM  

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Desert Shield/storm vet. I am the one at work who comes up with the ideas on filling up those non-work hours. (ok, who is up for canoeing this weekend?) After several wrong turns, have finally found the love of my life.

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