Golfing In Hell

This was my first year going to the company Golf Scramble. I was promised it would be fun. (No one told me how much fun it would be.) I am not the world’s best golfer, I average about once a year. I enjoy it, fresh air and beer. Usually a good combination. So as soon as the date of the event was announced I started procedure to be at there. I mean, I am always up for a good time.

Step 1: Get the day off. That wasn’t very hard. I just asked. Done.

Step 2: Get on a team. I added my name to the “Golfers looking for a team” list. The only other person on this list was “Goose”, our companies director. I figured I would put myself out there, somebody would pick me up. Then I started to get paranoid, a couple days pass, no one says a thing, Goose and I are just seating there. Then a co-worker asked me why don’t I form my own 4-person team? “You are an organizer, Larry, very pro-active. Just do it!” I am only human; stroke my ego, do I not respond? I contacted my fellow “Dance of The Fainting Goats” teammates. (I will explain that, but not in this post.) Only one of them was willing to do the golf thing, that was Winston. So cool. That’s two of us.

Team Member #1: Winston.
Winston is a good guy, smart, single, 40ish, has a job, owns his own car (Everything my single female friends say they are looking for) and nerdy, geeky, lives with mother (Everything my single female friends say they are not looking for) and one of my island mates. He went canoeing with us earlier in the summer, even though he had never been canoeing before and is deathly afraid of water. (Sorry, had a cold chill) He had taken up golf earlier in the year so hey, why not.

Team Member #2: Goose
Okay, I was starting to feel sorry for him. No one wanted him on their team. Who wants to golf with the big boss? So I asked him to come over to our team. After a minute of hesitation, he agreed. Didn’t cross my mind that no one would want to golf with Goose, guess I wasn’t paying attention. Oh well not the first time.

So now there were 3. I asked around, no one was interested. I asked my other island mates, they were already on teams. Except Steven. Steven is not big on company events. That’s why he was not a Dancing Goat. He then complained that when the golf event comes around he ends doing extra work that day to cover the people golfing. To me that was a reason to go golfing. Oh well.

I called my friend Trent. On vacation. Ok, that left Ivan.

Team Member #3: Ivan
Ivan was one of the first people I meet when I got out of the navy 11 years ago. Someone I really looked up to at one time. Over the years he has gone into some downward spiral. Bad relationships (comes from dating models) Worse jobs. I’ve had problems with him in public before, being out of control. He is on an anti-depressant now and swears he is not that person any more. He is also the person I golf with once a year. How could it not be a good choice?

So with a full team, it was time for a name.

Step 3: Team name.
Took about half a minute. “The Pirates of Puttzance”. I even bought a pirate flag to hang from the golf cart. We were set.

Step 4: Getting to the golf course.
Set up to leave work at noon. Then they wanted us at the golf course by noon so I changed to 11:45. Then my doctor wanted to have blood work done that day, so I changed to 11:15. Then Ivan calls and says he wrecked his car, I need to pick him up. Now I’m leaving work at 11:00. Why did I come into work?

I managed to get everything done, and got to the golf course at noon.

Step 5: Golfing
You would think this would the easy part. A nice quiet afternoon with friends, couple beers, lots of jokes. Well, Ivan drunk too much, which caused me to get pissed and drink more, causing the afternoon to end a little lackluster.

Step 6: Killed Ivan
Ok, I didn’t, but thought about it. Besides being an ass in front of my co-works and bosses (uh yeah, he is with me) He managed to far exceed the expectations of the usual alcoholic.

The highlights include:

Ivan screaming, “Take your shirt off!” to a couple female golfers. When that did not get a response he followed it with “Take your pants off!”

Ivan raiding the golf course kitchen after the 9th hole.

Ivan running the golf cart into a tree, almost killing Winston. (It has been noticed that Winston and trees seem to attract each other. Yes, the canoe story will be posted sooner or later)

Ivan so drunk he could barely walk, ending our golfing 3 rounds early.

Ivan trying to push Goose and I’s golf cart into on coming traffic, while we were in it.

Ivan disappearing for closing ceremonies. (Oh wait that was a good thing)

Ivan passed out on someone’s back lawn.

Having to save Ivan from the police before they arrested him for public drunkenness. (And I stopped this why?)

Ivan talking about the four of us golfing together at another time.

Ivan dropping hints about getting a job in our office (yea, that's going to happen!)

And my all time favorite…

Ivan grabbing Winston and I’s balls through the entire day.

Its done and finished. I am more upset that Ivan had no respect in the position I was in. Around my co-workers and bosses. I’m more upset about that then anything. Maybe bad judgment on my account also.

And I got to listen to Steven still complain about no one being left to cover telephones during the Golf Scramble.

Hey! Can’t wait until next year’s Golf scramble. Maybe by then I’ll be talking to Ivan again!